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Relationship Maps by Benna Z. Sherman © 

What do you mean by that?!

 

“Are you wearing that to the wedding?” Frank asked Diana.

She stared at him for a moment, then turned on her heel and left the room.  Frank was puzzled that she hadn’t answered his question.  It had seemed pretty straightforward to him.  He shrugged his shoulders, muttered, “Women!” to himself and wandered off to the kitchen.  When the phone rang on the wall next to him, he answered it.

“Hi, Brenda.  Yeah, Diana’s getting ready for the wedding.  She’s wearing some flowery thing, mostly blue.  Okay, I’ll tell her you called.  See you there.”

As he hung up the phone, he turned to see Diana standing in the doorway to the kitchen.  He saw that she had that scrunched up look on her face that meant that she was about to cry but was also really mad at him.  He hadn’t a clue why she’d be about to cry or why she was angry.

Hoping to deflect whatever it was, he pointed to the phone and said, “Brenda just called.  She wanted to know what you were wearing to the wedding.”

“I heard what you said.  I gather that you think this dress is hideous and that I look like a fool.”  He could tell that the only thing keeping the tears from falling was her even more potent anger at him.

“Umm, Diana, what are you talking about?  I didn’t say that your dress was hideous or that you looked like a fool.”

“Oh, really?  Wasn’t that what you meant when you said, and I quote, ‘Are you wearing THAT to the wedding’?  And when you told Brenda that I was wearing ‘some flowery thing’, weren’t you saying that it looked stupid?”

Frank was at a total loss.  He felt like Alice-Through-the-Looking-Glass.  His reality seemed to have gotten all twisted somehow.

“When I asked if you were wearing that to the wedding, I didn’t mean ‘are you wearing THAT’.  I was only trying to figure out what I was supposed to wear.  And when I described it as ‘some flowery thing’, I was just trying to describe it to Brenda.  I don’t know what to call that style or pattern.  To me it’s just ‘flowery’ and blue.  I think you look great in fact.  I think you look great in anything.  And besides, your taste is excellent.”

Diana looked mostly mollified but not 100% convinced.  “You do think I look nice?  Really?”

“Babe, you are going to outshine the bride.  Now, could you please help me figure out what I’m supposed to wear?”

This conversation gone wrong is a good example of a mis-communication.  It’s a pretty typical representation of when transmission doesn’t equal reception. 

In this case Frank believed that he was transmitting a perfectly straightforward, easily decoded, and innocuous message.  He was attempting to ascertain the proper dress code for the event.  He intended to transmit a simple question.

Diana, the recipient of the message, received not an innocuous inquiry but a hurtful criticism.  She believed that Frank’s intention was to communicate his disdain or dislike for her outfit.  Believing that she had received an insult, she responded with hurt and anger.

Diana’s reception was so different from his intended transmission that Frank was at a total loss to understand her reaction.  He couldn’t see past his transmission.

When they finally talked directly, Diana was able to share her reception.  When Frank heard her interpretation of his transmission, he then had the opportunity to make a new transmission that would clarify his original message.  When Diana received his second transmission, she could stop being hurt and angry and, in fact, feel complimented.

In the ideal scenario the communication might have gone like this—

“Are you going to wear that?”  à

Diana, receiving what she perceives to be a hurtful message, turns to Frank and, trusting that he loves her and does not wish to hurt or insult her, says, in a spirit of inquiry, “That sounds like you don’t like my dress; is that what you meant?”  à

Frank, hearing her mis-interpretation of his transmission, immediately wants to correct her understanding and says, “No, no, not at all.  I think you look great.  I’m just looking for guidance about what I should be wearing.”  à

Diana is relieved of any hurt and is reassured of her husband’s feelings of pride in her appearance. 

The original situation has Diana hurt and angry for several minutes and leaves Frank confused and on the defensive.   The revised scenario takes about a minute and results in Diana feeling closer to Frank.

In order to choose version 2, Diana has to work from the belief that she can trust Frank’s intentions.  The premise here is that partners believe, despite whatever the immediate evidence might suggest, that their partners are committed to doing well by them, committed to kindness and consideration.  If the inquiry reveals otherwise, THEN it’s time to be hurt or angry.  But the starting point is one of trust.  

(For additional archived Relationship Maps columns, previously published in The Capital, go to http://www.hometownannapolis.com/.)

  

 

Commitment

 

A recent article published in the Washington Post Magazine discussed a variety of current approaches to supporting marriages.  One of the principles relevant to several of the interventions was “commitment”.  In this case the term “commitment” means that both members of the couple willfully disavow any consideration of dissolving the relationship.

I want to be very clear at this point that this is the wrong principle to adhere to if there is an unhealthy or unsafe relationship.  Relationships in which there is violence, verbal or physical abuse, or anything else that endangers physical or emotional welfare are NOT safe places in which to remain.  I encourage partners who cannot change unsafe relationships to leave such relationships.

If the relationship is safe but not satisfactory, then it is appropriate to make a commitment to fix the relationship rather than to leave it.

As the article discussed, if a partner were continuously considering whether to leave, any initiative to repair the relationship in order to remain was significantly compromised.   You have to make an internal commitment to remain in the relationship in order to be willing to make the effort involved in creating a relationship that‘s worth remaining in.

In the absence of such a commitment, every deviation from “good” sparks a repeat of considering whether to leave.  Every such consideration weakens the efforts to improve the relationship.  When the efforts are repeatedly undermined, the relationship becomes diminished and less worth staying for.  Every time whether to leave is considered it becomes a more imaginable outcome.   It’s a nasty but seductive cycle in which it’s easy to get caught without even realizing that it’s happening.  At some point the relationship appears to lose potential and doesn’t seem to be worth the effort; and leaving looks like a reasonable, even inevitable, choice.  In these cases marriages often end not with a bang, but with a whimper.  Partners don’t leave in rage but in disappointment.

In my experience this cycle is often founded on the unrealistic ideal that the “right” partner will never fail or disappoint you.  So when your current partner does fail or disappoint you, you get launched into thinking that maybe this isn’t the right partner.  And that thought leads to considering that if you’re with the wrong partner, then maybe you should leave this wrong marriage. 

But failure and disappointment are inevitable in real relationships with real people.  They shouldn’t be the rule; they shouldn’t be the majority of your experience.  But only Prince Charming in the fairy tales never forgets to bring home the milk.  Only the fairy tale princess never has a cranky day.  In the fairy tales, partners are magically intuitive, never needing to be told in actual words what you’re thinking or feeling or needing or wanting.  In real relationships with real people, success and satisfaction take a LOT of hard work and good communication.  And it turns out that in order to do that work, first there must be a deeply felt, hard-to-shake commitment.  This commitment needs to be such that the default is to turn toward your partner when things are wrong or bad or disappointing and make the effort together to make things right.

In order to do this, there must be a deeply felt belief that your partner also has this same degree of commitment.  In order for it to be safe to turn toward your partner when things are not right, you have to trust that your partner is as committed as you are to the continuation and growth of this relationship.  If you believe, or fear, that your partner is seriously open to considering terminating the relationship when it’s not good, then it becomes very scary to expose yourself emotionally in order to stay.

The most effective way I know for partners to nurture this trust and confidence is to talk about their marriage, their expectations, and their commitment.  I’m not saying that talk is the only important thing, to the exclusion of action.  I am saying instead that only when these issues are addressed directly and explicitly can there be the level of clarity and confidence that makes it feel right to trust and to commit.  One of the reasons that marriage-strengthening programs work is because they are founded on creating opportunities and requirements that partners talk, openly and directly, about their relationship.  One of the most important opportunities is for both partners to articulate clearly and with conviction that they are committed to staying in the marriage.

So, first think about commitment, then talk about it.  Now live it, together.